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The Main Street General Bulletin

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Root Beer Cures Cancer, Claims Patient

07/14/2021

The patient, known as T, claims to have drank exclusively root beer starting the day of their cancer diagnosis. Their regimine included four different brands of root beer.

Despite going to chemotherapy, T insists that it was the drink, not the medical treatment, that helped them. "Chemo put me through hell and root beer brought me out of it," T said in a statement. "I don't care what the doctors say, I've had enough."

T claims that the root beer regimen managed to help them prevent most of the side effects of chemotherapy, including hair loss. T also claimed to have had visions of angels, instructing them to "spread the good news," but refused to elaborate on what the good news actually was.